


The Time Machine

by Nightfeathers



Category: Hellsing, Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies)
Genre: Comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-12
Updated: 2019-09-12
Packaged: 2020-10-16 23:03:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20610827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nightfeathers/pseuds/Nightfeathers
Summary: Written by me in 2007 and imported here. Alucard finds a mysterious machine in the depths of Hellsing manor. What does that button do? Kidnap pirates.At the time this was written I had not yet actually watched Hellsing but I think the characterizations came through quite well. Enjoy. ^^





	The Time Machine

Within the depths of the Hellsing manor, hidden away down half forgotten passageways, there is a room. The interesting thing about this room was not its walls, stone like so much of the rest of the place, nor its door. No, what made this room stand out was the machinery it contained.

The mechanism inside these walls was at this moment shrouded in darkness. Night had fallen and the scientists who would normally have been scurrying about like ants had all returned to their beds. That's not to say that the room was devoid of inhabitants however.

There was a shadowy form standing next to it, an odd grin on his face as he looked the machine over. The human sized cylinder with the door attracted his attention first. It seemed designed to hold someone, though there was no locking mechanism on the door itself. From there his gaze swept to the control panel nearby, with all its knobs and flashing lights which for the moment were all red.

The figure moved to this control panel, unable to resist doing a little experimenting of his own. He was unconcerned about potential danger from the machine, since it couldn't possibly injure him even if it exploded, or at least not permanently. He looked over the labels underneath the knobs before picking one at random and giving it a turn. When the lights all turned green and a quiet whirring sound emanates from within, the grin on his face got wider. This was going to be interesting.

Several minutes and a number of switches and knobs later, a golden light was just fading from the chamber. The observer who had caused all this was gazing curiously at the foggy depths within, trying to make sense of the swirling cloth and hair that seemed attached to whomever was trapped inside.

When the fog finally cleared, he gave a rather disappointed huff. It seemed a perfectly normal if oddly dressed human was all the machine could conjure up. Not at all what he'd been hoping for. He returned his view to the panel to see about returning the human to wherever he'd come from.

Meanwhile within the chamber, Captain Jack Sparrow was looking around with his usual slurred vision wondering what exactly had been in that rum. The vision of someone in a long red coat and even bigger red hat poking at something while he himself was trapped in some kind of glass chamber was almost enough to make him stop drinking the stuff... or not.

He pulled a small bottle from his pocket and had a drink before shoving at the glass. To his surprise a door swung open, and he took the opportunity to vacate the chamber. The opening of the door had the unfortunate side effect however of drawing Alucard's attention to him. The vampire had been unable to find a 'Return to Sender' button, and was now facing the fact that this fellow was here to stay, at least for a while.

"Might I enquire as to where I am?" Jack asked in an attempt to distract the man in the funny coat. "I seem to have misplaced my ship... and the ocean."

Alucard merely watched the pirate for the moment, for it was obvious that's what he was. Although as to how this one came to be standing in Hellsing castle he was mystified. He toyed with several ideas on what to do, but the one that held the most appeal was taking him up to see Integra. He could hardly wait to see the expression on her face in fact.

When the other man started coming closer with that gleam in his eye Jack decided it was a good time to make use of the door. Internally he wondered what it was that seemed to make this sort of thing happen to him so often. He didn't manage to quite reach said door when a gloved hand caught him by the coat. before anything could be done about that, a black hole opened up in midair, into which he was unceremoniously shoved.

Jack Sparrow was certain he was about to fall to his death. At least that's what it felt like going through that black hole. So it was a great relief when he instead felt solid floor beneath his feet, and looked around to see a fairly normal room, though the furnishing said it was definitely not the room he'd been in a moment ago. This one was well lit, and the desk at least he recognized for what it was. Although the figure behind the desk was a bit more of a mystery. Quite frankly he wasn't sure whether to shake hands or flirt with this one, and the cigar didn't help matters.  
"Who is he?" was all Integra said at first, being too busy trying to decide what exactly was going on.

Alucard explained that Jack had shown up in the mysterious machine, though he left out just exactly how the machine had come to be activated. By the look on Integras face she was well aware of just how Jack had managed to appear in that chamber, and she was not happy about it.

"Pardon me," Jack interrupted before an argument could ensue, "But would you mind directing me back to my ship? I'd rather not be stuck waiting for your little lovers quarrel to end..."

He trailed off when they both turned a half murderous glare on him. Obviously he had misjudged the situation. well the stranger was obviously female anyway. That would make things a bit easier for him at least. With a grin to rival Alucards he rested one hand on her desk and leaned in to have a little chat.

"You're obviously in charge here and who's to argue." he said smoothly. "Why don't you send old red eye here off so we can have us a little chat ay? Just the two of us..."

Before Integra could respond Alucard decided to disappear for a bit, at least enough to see what else this pirate might say. He'd expected a number of outcomes but this was better that anything he'd thought up. The man was actually flirting with his master! It was too good not to watch.

"You know I think I do have something that needs doing elsewhere." he said, grinning at Integra. "I'll just go see to it."

He ostentatiously vanished, keeping watch from a far corner where hopefully he wouldn't be noticed. Jack watched the disappearance and raised a brow, but didn't react overly badly. He'd seen men do far worse than vanish, so it wasn't all that shocking. he returned his attention to the woman to see what she would say.

Her expression was less than encouraging. She was getting tired of Alucard dragging home all sorts of unwelcome guests, and this one seemed to be the worst of the lot. He was both filthy and flirty, a terrible combination for anyone concerned about hygiene.

"I have nothing to discuss with you." she said, voice as icy as she could make it. "And get your filthy hands off my desk. It was bad luck that brought you here, and I'll make sure we send you back just as quickly as we can. Meanwhile I'll have Walter find you someplace to stay. And for goodness sake take a bath! You stink."

Jack was a little taken aback by the speech. Still he was not easily discouraged...

"A bath ay?" he grinned and winked. "Would you be wanting to join me then?"

Integra was visibly disgusted at the suggestion. The mental images it produced would haunt her now too. She shuddered, growing more irritated with him by the second. The eyes watching from the corner of the room had not escaped her notice either. It only deepened her anger knowing Alucard was watching, and would undoubtedly remind her of this little incident for a long time to come.

"Only if I can throw a toaster in first." she retorted, pulling the bell that would summon Walter.

Of course Jack had no idea what a toaster was or why she would want to throw it in the bath, but he was always up for new games.

"You bring the toaster and Ill bring the rum." he returned after a moment, actually sitting on the desk now.

Integra merely rested her face in her hands. She'd forgotten for a moment that he'd never seen a toaster, much less know what one would do if thrown into a bath. Of course Walter chose that moment to come in.

"Yes Sir Integra?" he asked, wondering about the pirate sitting on her desk. 'We seem to attract a lot of odd characters.' he thought.

"Please escort this... man off to a guest room." Integra asked, massaging her temples and reaching for yet another cigar. "Alucard brought us another headache." she informed him.

Walter merely nodded. He still couldn't figure out how the vampire had managed to find a pirate, especially one so... authentic, but after everything he'd seen he wasn't going to question it too much.

Jack decided to follow for now. He needed time to figure out what was going on, and obviously this Integra was in need of a rest. Knowing the effect he tended to have on women, he decided to do her a favor and let her cool off.

The room was not quite what Jack had expected. In fact he had fully expected to be thrown into a dungeon of some kind. The window seemed rather small to light it properly but aside from that it seemed pretty comfortable.  
"You'll be staying here until we can return you to your ship." Walter said, flicking the lights on. "I suggest you not go exploring. There are dangerous things lurking in these corridors."

"Well that was interesting." Jack said, reaching over to trip the switch himself a few times. "Come up with that yourself did you?" The flickering lights were amusing for a moment.

Walter merely smiled at the pirate's ignorance. He pointed out the restroom, specifically the bath, and departed. Jack looked over the facilities and played with the handles, finding to his surprise that the water would apparently pour out of the spouts until turned off. After that novelty wore off, which didn't take long, he wandered back to the main room. Walter had warned him not to leave but there wasn't much to do in this room. He'd also noticed some rather shiny objects on the way down that were of no use to anyone sitting there. It would definitely be worth a bit of danger to liberate them from this place, he was sure.

The door wasn't locked. Obviously they trusted him to remain where he was. He spared a moment for a grin and slipped out of the room, carefully closing the door behind himself to avoid unwanted attention. Picking a direction at random, he crept down the halls, listening for any sign of movement. The numerous eyes watching him from the ceiling with a distinctly amused glint went unnoticed for the moment.

Alucard found this whole situation incredibly amusing. He'd been sorely tempted to phase inside at Walters comment about dangerous things lurking. That had been really hard to resist in fact. However it would be more fun to first see what this guy would do now. When he'd started messing with that machine he'd only been looking to cause a small explosion, maybe bring in some sort of creature to have a little fun with, but this... this was priceless. The teasing he could get out of the pirate's flirting with Integra alone would be well worth whatever she decided to do about it.

Jack meanwhile had managed to skulk his way down to the basement. This he recognized as being devoid of valuables, and therefore decided to head back upstairs and see what he could find there instead. The sound of footsteps coming his way made him dart into the nearest room before he could check to see what might be inside. Once the door was safely shut, he turned to find... a woman, sitting on her... coffin? staring at him and apparently ready to kill.

"My apologies miss." he said, making a sweeping bow in an attempt to calm her. "I had no idea this room was occupied. I'll be going... soon."

He turned an ear to the door to see if whoever was out there had left. Unfortunately it seemed whoever it was, they intended to hang around. Jack turned back to see that she was now on her feet and pointing a big skinny cannon at him.

"There's no need for that." he said, masking his worry over the situation with his most charming grin. The effect was somewhat spoiled by his teeth however. "I'm only here to get away from some unwelcome company. You on the other hand..."

He took a few steps towards her, swaggering as usual. Her response was to raise the weapon. He turned what he'd intended to be an approach into a stroll to the desk. Resting against it on one hand, he turned his (in his opinion) incredibly charming smile on her.

"You're company is much more better." he grinned. "And I have just the thing to put a smile on that pretty face of yours."

He reached into his pocket and pulled out that same bottle, uncorking it and taking a swig before offering it to her.

"Rum?" he offered.

Seras eyed the bottle, trying to decide if this guy was insane. He was obviously human so blowing him to bits was unfortunately out of the question. However that didnt mean she couldn't use her voice to its full effect.

"GET OUT OF MY ROOM!" she screamed, setting aside the Harkonnen so she wouldn't be tempted.

Jack ducked a little expected her to fire at him. He was gratified to see she'd set it aside instead. Taking it as a sign that maybe his charm was working... and totally oblivious to the yelling she'd just done... he tucked away the rum and moved closer to put an arm around her.

Seras now had a choice. Either faint dead away from the stench, or knock him into next Wednesday. She chose the latter.

Jack wasn't quite sure how he ended up with his back against the door and his bottom on the ground, not to mention stinging, but he had a strong suspicion that the girl had something to do with it. How exactly such a small woman had managed this he wasn't sure, but that was not unusual either. He shook his head a little and stood, unsteady as always. The noises from outside had ceased, and he was beginning to think that a strategic withdrawal might be in order.

The way this man was weaving Seras almost thought she'd hit him too hard. When he continued that way she decided he was just drunk, as evidenced by the rum she'd just been offered. She pointed to the door, and did her best to muster up a calm voice.

"Now... will you please... get out!" she ordered.

"I'm beginning to get the impression I'm not wanted." Jack replied with a signature grin as he took a few steps towards her.

Before Seras could reply, most likely with a harder shove, Alucard phased through the door, as well as Jack since the pirate was in the way. Jack pulled out his pistol, taking shaky aim at the ghost that had apparently just walked through him. When said ghost turned he recognized the red coated fella that had brought him to this place to start with. He tucked the pistol away again, deciding that if the man... or whatever... could disappear he could certainly walk through stuff.

"Oh, it's you." Jack said, trying to sound bland.

"Why Seras," Alucard teased, totally ignoring Jack for the moment. "Having breakfast in bed? Or did you have something else in mind for him?"

Seras immediately turned a bright red upon realising she was still in her pajamas with a man in her room. Of course this only incited Alucard to continue his teasing. Jack however saw no reason to get involved in whatever these two had going on. He slipped quietly out the door, studiously not listening to the shouts and random noise coming from behind it.

Once clear of Seras' room, Jack began making his way back upstairs. As long as those two were fighting... or whatever, they wouldn't be following him. This of course meant that he was free to get back to those sparkling objects he'd originally started off to find.

He'd not made it more than halfway up the stairs when once again he heard footfalls nearby. This time it sounded as if several someones were coming his way. After the way that girl had acted, not to mention her cannon, he hesitated to risk slipping into another room without knocking.

Luckily his own newly assigned chamber was nearby, so he ran for it and ducked inside just as the noisy stepping troop walked by. The door to his room remained open, since he's been in something of a rush and hadn't bothered to close it, so he got a good look at the people walking by.

The sight was not a hopeful one. Though the uniforms were certainly different, they were obvious as such. As far as he knew there was no one in a uniform that was overly friendly to pirates. He jumped up and shut the door before thinking over what he was to do now. With those soldiers running about he wasn't feeling at all safe anymore.

His thoughts turned immediately to how he'd gotten in this predicament. If Red Eye... what was his name anyway?... if he'd brought him here than it stood to reason he could send him home. However it seemed unlikely that he'd get any help from that quarter, except maybe to an early grave.

'So how about that machine then?' he wondered. 'If he can use it then theres no reason I can't...'

He snuck over to the door and had a listen for anyone about. As it seemed to be once again deserted, he eased the door open, casting a glance around before sneaking down the hallway back towards the basement. That room he'd been in had certainly had the feel of dankness that basements usually did, so it made sense it would be down there. Now if he could just find it he could turn a few knobs and be home in a wink...

Several hours later and a number of dead end rooms, Jack was quite ready to return to his room for a nap. He'd never realised a single building could have so many storage rooms and what looked like torture chambers. He was doing his best to find his way back to said room when he heard footsteps. Thinking it could be more soldiers, he ducked into a random room and found himself face to face with the very thing he'd been searching for!

"There you are my beauty." he whispered as he examined the knobs and things.

Having literally no experience with machinery, he just randomly pushed buttons and dials until something started happening. Once it did, he ran over to jump into the chamber, closing his eyes as he prepared to be sent home.

A few seconds later he found his face pressed rather tightly against the glass by someone else who apparently now occupied the small space with him. There was barely room to breath anyway, and that ridiculous red feather sticking in his face didnt help...

Wait... red feather? Jack turned his head as much as he was able to catch a glimpse of a red cape and hat to go with that feather. He groaned did his best to wriggle around to open the door.

'Why couldn't I have caught Elizabeth?' he complained as he fumbled with the door.

Poor Will Turner meanwhile was trying to decide if the smell of a certain scraggly pirate or being squished into the chamber like a fish in a barrel would kill him first. He did his best to turn and see just what exactly his erstwhile companion was trying to do back there.

When finally he'd gotten the confounded door open, Jack exited the chamber in a hurry. Whatever buttons he'd pushed had obviously been the opposite of the ones he wanted. Hurrying back to the panel, he tried some different ones instead, all the while keeping an eye on Will.  
As the red feather was both superfluous and now broken thanks to Jack's antics, Will removed the hat. He too made use of the door, since nothing Jack had planned could possibly be of any use to himself. It was then of course that he noticed his surroundings.

'Just what I needed.' he thought. 'Thrown in a dungeon with Jack Sparrow.'

Obviously this was not a happy thought. Somehow Jack got the impression he'd been insulted, but since that wasn't really anything new he didn't pay it much mind. Instead he tried a different tactic with the buttons. He closed his eyes, waved his hand around, and pushed the first button he found. Quickly Jack whipped his eyes to the chamber...

Meanwhile Will was exploring the room. Having found nothing useful he was inspecting the back of the machine. Again nothing helpful, so he started to walk away. Unfortunately he hadn't noticed the power cord. His foot got caught in it, and he started to fall just as Jack pushed the button...

The chamber made a funny sound. neither knew quite what it was, as they had nothing to compare it to. However a long black arm popped out of the ceiling, picked up Will, and stuck him back inside it before the sound stopped. There was a brief flash of light...

And there Will stood...without a stitch of clothing. Realising his predicament he darted outside the chamber and snatched up his hat. That at least covered the most important areas.  
What neither man realised of course was that Jack had managed to press the correct button, but Will had cut the power halfway through. So when he was stuck in the chamber, his clothing had been sent home, but there hadn't been power enough for him to accompany them. Somewhere a few centuries back, Elizabeth was looking at a pile of laundry in the middle of the room and wondering why Will had suddenly decided to run around nude...

Amused eyes floating somewhere in the ceiling above were observing a fascinating scene. Things were already getting interesting, but when Integra and a number of soldiers burst into the room to find themselves eye to...a different portion of Will's bare anatomy, Alucard couldn't help it. It was either laugh or withdraw. Not wanting to interrupt the scene, he backed off and then had a good laugh.  
By the time he got back, Will had turned so that it was Jack seeing his bare behind. Jack didn't seem to appreciate the move. He looked like he'd just tasted something particularly foul in fact. Integra looked near to busting a vein. He expected her to say something but it was Jack who started the ball rolling.

"Forgive the boy." He swaggered forward enough to give Will something to hide behind. Even Jack wasn't callous enough to make poor Will stand exposed in front of this woman. "He eh..."

Hmm. Why would he be standing here naked?

"He's a bit off in the head. Decided his hat was his pants and threw the rest away. He'll be alright in a minute. Just give him some room." There, that would work. He got the impression Will didn't like that explanation but wasn't about to protest. In any case it didn't seem to impress Integra.

"Someone give that man a jacket." The combination of annoyance and anger in her voice was enough to make anyone nervous. "And...escort...both of these two back to wherever they belong."

It was at this moment that Will decided to try and relieve some of the intense confusion in his head. Here he'd been drugged or something, kidnapped, had his clothes stolen by...whatever that thing was, and now this woman was going to have him sent someplace with Jack. The latter was too much to bare. His face was near glowing with embarrassment, so he gratefully accepted the coat someone handed him. Good thing it wasn't the kind that end at the waist. After that he was a bit more able to talk, though he hat remained in his hands just the same.

"Excuse me...but...where am I? I was standing on this balcony and...somehow I got here..." He waved the hand not occupied with his hat around the room. "I really need to get back though. Elizabeth was waiting for me and..."

Integra was glaring. "We are working on sending both you and this...pirate home. It would help if we knew how you'd gotten here in the first place."

Will pointed at Jack. Jack pointed at Alucard who had just made an appearance behind Integra.

"He did it." They both said.

Integra rubbed her forehead. These two were giving her a migraine. She turned to Jack.

"How did you get him here?"

Jack walked over to the machine, quickly followed by Will who was not yet ready to face the world on his own bare and rather pale legs.

"I just pressed this button." he demonstrated, but nothing happened. Slightly worried, he pushed again. Still nothing. "It was working before. I pushed this thing, and that thing glowed. The next thing I knew, there he was."

Though Jack was obviously annoyed for some reason, Integra was more interested in the machine itself. She didn't recall having ever seen it before, which was saying something since normally she knew everything that went on around her home. Apparently they'd have to do some research on who built this thing. Hopefully whoever the idiot was he could send these two home before they caused any more trouble. not to mention headaches.

"Take them to his room." she ordered the soldiers. Turning to Jack and Will she added, "I'll let you know when we figure this out. Meanwhile don't leave that room, or I'll have you shot."

The last thing they needed was that pirate coming back here and pressing more buttons and bringing who knows who here. Obviously Integra didn't know Jack very well. This particular pirate was not only curious, but had been given an idea by young William's little speech.

Some time later that night, a certain pirate could have been seen making his way downstairs towards a room he knew very well was forbidden. However the lusts of a pirate know no bounds, most especially when said pirate was Jack Sparrow.  
"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" Came a whispered voice behind him.

The pirate paused. "Of course. I'll just push what I did before, and you can go and join your clothes."

Will's face flashed red, and he pulled his borrowed clothing tighter around him. That was something he wasn't likely to forget, although he had been praying Jack would.

The two men slunk down the hall, finding their way to the room with the machine after becoming only a little bit lost. Luckily the locker room had been unoccupied at the time, although Will had been puzzled by the stick figure on the door.

When Jack stepped inside, the room was pitch black. Someone had turned off the lights. Luckily he'd spent some time getting used to light switches, so after feeling around he found one, just as he'd been sure he would, and light flooded the chamber.

Everything was as they'd left it with the exception of a number of papers scattered around. Someone had been here trying to figure out how to work it apparently. Jack was puzzled by the trail of water that seemed to be scattered all around the room, since he'd gotten the impression that these people prefered dry floors, but he paid little attention.

"Go get in that closet." he said, waving a hand at the chamber.

will gave him a worried look, but complied quickly enough. Jack waved his hand dramatically, and pushed the button. Secretly he was afraid it was still not working too, but the light shimmered on. Will vanished.

In his place was nothing but empty air. Jack frowned. That wasn't what he'd had in mind. Still at least Will was gone. That was half the battle... Though of course Jack had no way of knowing, William was currently attempting to swim to shore after having been dropped into the ocean. He had to shed his coat. Luckily the clothes beneath weren't too heavy.

In the meantime, our hero was busy tweaking some of the knobs and dials on the thing. Jack was annoyed, and doing his best to understand how this thing worked. He hadn't the foggiest idea, but he was trying. When the buttons looked good to him, he started to press, but was stopped suddenly when that same black hand grabbed him and stuck him in the chamber! It then pushed the button for him.

After the whining sound finished, Jack just stood in place with his eyes tightly shut. He was a little bit afraid to look, certain that he would find himself standing in that chamber with nothing but his hat on.  
Something was very wrong. In the first place he could definitely tell he was still indoors. The lighting was wrong, though it also told him he was still in that same weird castle. In the second place...he was feeling a breeze in a place that ought not have any such thing touching it.

His eyes eased open, and the site that first greeted them was Integra's face looking bright red. She seemed more shocked than angry at first. As his eyes traveled a bit lower he realised why. Apparently he'd caught her on her way to bed.

Before he could take advantage of that fact, she pulled out a gun, and Jack didn't want to know from where. Integra was definately angry now. In fact Jack was beginning to wonder if he'd get out of this one alive.

"Your pardon." he said, forgoing the bow to grab a pillow. "I was, eh, just leaving... And may I say you look ravishing in that... no dress."

Not having seen a garment quite like that, he hadn't been sure what to call it. Apparently he'd said the wrong thing though because a shot rang out, and he felt the breeze of a bullet over his head. That he did recognize.

Much swifter now, Jack darted for the doorway. Behind him Integra was screaming all sorts of unpleasant things that he didn't care to experience. Since he'd only been here once before, it shouldn't be surprising that he got lost. What was amazing was that he somehow ended up in the time machine room again.

There was a scientist there, a woman wearing a lab coat. Jack gave her a brief wave.

"Just on my way out darling."

Taking advantage of her shock... and who wouldn't be shocked seeing a strapping pirate like that standing naked except for a strategically held pillow... Jack flipped switches and turned buttons until he thought it looked the way it had when he'd sent Will back. He then ran for the chamber, all while the lady stared.

"Do us a favor and push that button would you love?" he asked, sounded rather exasperated.

From the hallway the sound of marching feet could be heard drawing closer. Integra did not take the violation of her privacy lightly by anyone, but most especially a strange man in the nude. The woman nodded, and pushed the button automatically. The last view Jack had of that room was Integra shoving her way in followed by a number of angry soldiers.

The next thing he saw was his own ship. Unfortunately it wasn't so much under him as he'd planned as next to him. Jack let out a cry as he fell into the water, the pillow flying from his hands. Luckily his shipmates heard and pulled him aboard. When they saw his condition they were for the most part stunned into silence. When Gibbs started to question him, Jack just waved his hand as he tried to walk to his cabin with some kind of dignity.

"Don't ask Mr. Gibbs." he said. "Just find me a new hat."

AN: And there you have the end. Reviews are much appreciated. I hope you all enjoyed this story! It's one of my favorite projects.


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